This weeks 'A Day In Our Life Blog Hop' took a
little bit of a different outlook on things!!
So, here is the cool turn she took this week....
"Let's live in the moment of today, every day, now!"
"Will you join me this week to be real, transparent, and share your messy life
as a salve for a skinned soul?
Will you step out of your comfort zone and be the blessing for a hurting heart?"
She is running this special blog hop today because of Ann Voskamp
and her book, "One Thousand Gifts"
and for Ann's blog which can be found here.
She quotes Ann here, "And when you sit down to your keyboard, and you write a blogpost —
you are writing for me. You are writing for messed up me,
and the messed up woman next door,
and the messed up woman sitting beside you in church and messed up You."
Well, needless to say...of course,
I'm going to take this challenge...
The real question is....
Ok...there are so, so many stories I could tell here!!!
I guess the one that I think might help the most people
today is this one....
I do realize that it may offend some people, so I want to warn you
that this post includes talk of drug use and domestic violence!!
Keep reading at your own risk...
So, about twelve years ago, I met this really awesome guy. Or so I thought.....
Read it: Liar, thief, life-ruiner!!
Only before I get a chance to really see the REAL him, I am pregnant with
his child. So we make plans to get married, etc. etc. I just think this is going to be perfect.
So much better than my first husband, who slept with my sister when she was 15.
Boy, did I have A LOT TO LEARN!!
was that this marriage was no where near better than my first one, and you haven't
even begun to hear anything bad about it yet... So about three months into my marriage,
pregnant or not!!! But he keeps falling asleep, and I'm like, "hey babe, you seem really tired,
why don't you just come up here, lay by me, and go to sleep??" But he's so insistent on rubbing
my feet, that is whenever he is awake, which is about every five or ten minutes or so, which
is actually no longer relaxing to me, I mean I have to get up and work at 5 AM the next
morning, and he's only keeping me up....so I go to the bathroom and low and behold...
I FIND A SYRINGE ON MY BATHROOM CUPBOARD!!
Of course, I don't rush back in the bedroom and confront him with it, I hide it really well
from my kids, and wait 3 DAYS, yes it took him 3 DAYS TO BECOME SOBER ENOUGH
to understand what I was saying. And what I was saying was that his bags were packed
and he was leaving, because I had no idea he was a drug user. I currently wasn't up to date
with the 'addict' lingo and the fact that it is an actual disease!!
So let's say we skip to after the baby is born....he has went to prison and gotten back out.
I again being the stupid and misinformed person I am...well that and the fact that I did
have SOME feelings for him because I mean I had his baby, barely 3 months old at this
time, and I was probably still a little in my postpartum mind set !! Needless to say, I let him
back in the house. At this time, I REALLY BELIEVED THAT I COULD CHANGE HIM...
OR THAT HE WOULD CHANGE FOR ME BECAUSE HE WANTED TO???
Again, I didn't understand the whole disease part of the addiction. Oh, I should say,
he was using Oyxcontins, Heroin, sometimes Cocaine with the needle, and also taking many
other pills (cocktails, they like to call it!!)..oh and he non-stop drunk Vodka and hid the
empty bottles EVERYWHERE!! I found them for at least a year after he was totally gone!!
Ok, so skip again to a few months later, I am trying to get him to stop using, and he walks out
of the bathroom and says, "I will NEVER stop using, NOT FOR YOU, not for anyone!!"
I KNOW, I KNOW, that should have been a big wake-up call for me!!
I mean, believe me, big-time bells were ringing in my head....I just chose to ignore them.
|Image Credit: Amy Vangsgard | ClipartOf.com|
So...now comes the first time he hits me!! But of course, he's sorry and will
NEVER, EVER DO IT AGAIN!!!! EVER!!!
(which reminds me...have any of you ever read that poem called
"I Got Flowers Today??" It's dedicated to victims of domestic violence and can be found here.)
Until the next time, and the next time, and the next time..and yeah well I think you
are starting to get the idea. At this time I had this wonderful bedroom set!! I just loved it :)
Until he put my head through one of the wooden slats in our headboard while beating me up!!
This was the same time, I had to go to work with what my boss first thought were hickies on
my neck (which we weren't alloud to have EVER!! And me as a manager should have
set a better example, he was saying, when I broke down crying...
you see, somehow while getting ready for work at 4 AM I had missed them!!)
Immediately he pulled me into the office and said they aren't hickies are they??
When I explained what they were, sure enough he looked at my neck
and you could see Idiot's whole hand, well at least each of his five finger prints on my neck :(
Lesson learned here:
Move on to a year or two, maybe more later, you are probably wondering why I'm even still
with him, but it isn't that simple...he'd been in and out of jail and every form of it by now,
I even tried to get his parole officer to not replace him in my house due to all the
domestic violence, but her rebuttal was always that since we were technically still married
and it was still his legal address, it was where she was ONCE AGAIN releasing him.
(I personally think she had a death wish on me or something!!)
And...she almost succeeded....I'm going to give you all a break and cut the story short
but not sweet!! SORRY, but it wasn't at all sweet, and I can't pretend that it was :(
So, even though their were many more fights than the ones I told you about, many 911 calls,
etc, etc....the very last fight that we ever had, almost ended with my death!!
Him being an ex kick-boxer (with many awards!!) to the point that even the cops
were scared of him, instead of the usual two cars that must come
if you are labeled dangerous,
we always had to have at least five cars with double occupancy
before they'd even think about entering our home.
Oh, I should mention that this fight would also be the end to my
9 year Business Management position that paid very well,
my 6 year server position, part time, that paid almost just as well,
the end of my brand new van, the end of my very first house (owned not rented!!)
and the list goes on.......
but here is what happened....
I was sitting on the living room chair and I don't exactly remember what I said,
probably something stupid and smart-alack about him being in the bathroom
too long and I knew what he was and
wasn't doing in there. (Meaning he was using!!)
So, he comes out, lifts both of my feet with both of his hands, and kicks me
one really good one right in my BUTT and lets me fall to the floor.
To say, I heard my bones break might sound stupid, but I did,
and I definitely felt them at least rearrange themselves to a position that
was really far from the right one!!! Now comes the really bad part.
He doesn't take me to the hospital or the Dr. because of course he has no intention
of going back to prison yet again, or at least not for something that had to do with me!!!
So he kept me held hostage in my house for weeks?? Possibly?
To say I lost track of time is so true, I was in excruciating pain. He took it
upon himself to drop my kids off at daycare each day and act like I was at work each day,
just as if it were...
While I was lying at home on the floor in complete misery.
He wouldn't let me talk to my best friend on the phone,
and she knew something was up, but he wouldn't let her come in either.
He kept telling her I wasn't home. And the worst part about the whole thing, was that he
was taking all my pain medications, and not even giving me a single one!!
Truthfully, being the baby I am (when it comes to serious pain) I'm surprised I even
survived...BUT I HAD A REASON TO LIVE STILL....
About two, maybe three weeks later, I don't know..I'd lost all sense of reality...
he was once again in the bathroom, only this time it was taking just a little too long,
and I could see the keys to the van on the kitchen table...this was it.!!
This was my one chance at getting away.
MY ONE AND ONLY CHANCE AT SURVIVAL...
And I took it. How I managed thru my pain, well only the higher powers
know that one :) But I grabbed those keys and ran out the door, hopped in the van
and started it.. when all of a sudden there's Idiot at the door, opening it and
slamming the van into park, and removing the keys.
Ok, I'm not going to lie..nothing nice was going through my head right then...
but the one thing that I did have going for me was that our 'nosy neighbor with what he called it,
I can't quite remember, but it basically meant he had outstanding hearing, I mean he could hear
a pin drop from a mile away...and this was coming to my benefit that day because he was pulling weeds
in his back yard when I yelled to the Idiot to just let me go, he can have the van,
the house, EVERYTHING, I just need to go....Idiot's like
"No way are you leaving this house, EVER AGAIN!!"
I may have took advantage of the neighbors acute hearing disorder at that point, but I needed to
get away....so I was like "What, what are you going to do, Idiot, you've already almost killed
me and held me hostage in my house for a couple weeks."
Now the neighbor was walking our way!!
I took this moment when Idiot looked his way, to jump out the door and just RUN... and I mean RUN
I did, for blocks upon blocks, not even knowing where I was going. I kept looking back
because I know it can't be this easy. Sure enough, here comes my van, and sure enough, there is
some people painting their house. I stop there in front of them and just stand there, they are looking
at me and Idiot drives by glaring, but these are all one way streets so I know I have a little bit of
a head start on him again, so I RUN WITH ALL MY HEART IN IT AGAIN....Oh no,
here comes my van again....just as I start looking around and notice the police station is about
three house lengths up, I can do this, I tell myself..when all of a sudden some random car
drops in behind me, he doesn't say anything to me, I can tell he senses I'm scared out of my
mind. He just keeps driving slowly as I run and run and run
(did I mention I'm barefoot and bleeding..not only
are my feet bleeding, but I'm bleeding down my pant-legs,
yeah I started my period a few blocks back!!)
This guy slowly follows me (never says a word),
sure I feel a lot safer..but still...I know my Idiot!!
SO STILL I RUN....until finally I get to my best friends house.
When I walk in she's like what happened to...?? But before she can finish, she sees the look
on my face, and she's always known me as well or perhaps better than I know myself
so she says "I knew that Idiot was lying to me...what did he do this time??"
Skip to much later....
I no longer talk to him at all, but a few years after that, I ran into him at a party,
and I had sex with him (that was always the one thing we never did wrong together!!!)
And well, even though we'd been divorced for years...I ended up pregnant with my
now youngest from just that one night!!
So here is where you call me STUPID!!!
I do it all the time..so go ahead.
Here is where I wanted to add Godsmack's video with lyrics to
'Love, Hate, Sex, Pain'
because it is so fitting !! And not just because I think Sully is hot.
In fact, that's nothing to do with it at all, the words are just SO PERFECT for
my story. YouTube has switched the sharing thing up a little bit,
and needless to say, I have yet to figure it out..so it you want to read the lyrics...
or hear the song, or both....they can be found here.
Needless to say, I'm a much different person now (seven or eight years later!!),
though still struggling every day. I still don't have a car, can barely make the house
payments (a different house of course), and well...
but seriously....I want all of you to know that
there is hope out there!!
There really is!!
If you ever feel the need to talk or even just to vent at me...
I can be found here on this blog
or you can reach me by email at
I'm serious, feel free to use that email address anytime, and if you need my
phone number, that can also be arranged!!
If you or someone you know is going through something similar,
or even if it's not similar..it's just hard, and a bad situation....you can get out of it..
change can happen. I'm here to not only prove it,
but to help you if you need and want it...
I hope you'll choose it!!!
Wow, you know that felt good getting that story off my chest.
I think I might do this more often,
because in the beginning of this post...if any of you are even still reading this..
I said I had sooo many things I could post about :(
Wont you join us here!!